Our reality

This is a difficult post to write, as it may be to read, but it is our reality and I hope that by writing this it can be therapeutic for me and maybe be helpful for someone else.  We all tend to use social media to paint this beautiful picture of what our lives are, and even though that is great, life is not all sunshine and rainbows. I like to to think of myself as an authentic person, so I am putting this out here to be open and honest of our situation.

Last Friday at 14 weeks and one day my doctor found that our baby no longer had a heart beat.  At first I felt denial and told the doctor to check again and then slowly came to the realization that this pregnancy was over.  I had just seen the baby at my 12 week appointment and everything was fine.  I had just done 2 weeks of bed rest and 2 additional weeks of very little activity.  It was a huge hit to say the least.  There are many unexplained questions I have, some of which will never be answered.  This is my second miscarriage in the past year.  Last time we found no heart beat at 8 weeks.  Less then 5% of women miscarry two times in a row.  It is also rare to miscarry as late as I did this time around.  My doctor sent me for blood work the same day she found no heart beat.  They are running all sorts of tests.  I had a D & C on Monday, so I had to wait three days for the procedure to take place.  That weekend was tough. The first 24 hours were the worst, I slept very little and cried constantly.  They are also running tests on the baby.  Hopefully there are some explanations for what went wrong.  Our next appointment is in a month, so we will find out all the information then and move forward accordingly. The one thing I do not want to find out is the gender.  It is a personal choice that I just can not deal with hearing.

I couldn't talk to anyone all weekend, in fact I just talked to my sister today and she is the first person I have spoken with since I found out the news.  It is just way too emotional for me to speak about.  Justin let my closest friends know on Friday, and I did end up emailing some who reached out to me to let them know more information.  As hard as it was to read some people's responses, it was hugely comforting to know how much love and support we had.  Justin and I are so lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful, caring and supportive family and friends.  We have had non stop texts, emails and calls checking on us.  So even though I have been unable to speak with anyone yet, the support has been truly amazing.  And every kind word and sweet thought or flowers that have been sent have meant more then I will ever be able to express. 

In life we are dealt these difficult challenges and we have to choose how we handle them.  Of course I have grieved this loss, and I am sure there will be days where I am overcome with emotion again, but I am choosing to keep my head held high and move forward.  I know Justin and I will have more children, one way or another.  I am thankful for the strong and loving marriage that I am in.  I am also extremely thankful for our beautiful son Charlie who challenges us in every sense of the word, but who has taught us how to love more then we ever thought possible.  Charlie has truly made this process easier.  Having him laugh and live every day to the fullest gives me the strength to be the best mom I can for him.  I know some women never have the chance to have one child, so I am eternally grateful for having Charlie in my life.  It may still take me some time to be in touch with friends, but know that us Nicolsons are strong and can get through anything as a family. 

Thank you to all again for the positive thoughts and well wishes.