Moving forward

I have had my moments this week, but we are getting on.  Today I did my first form of exercise in 5 or 6 weeks.  I decided to go to a yoga class.  I always find I get into a zone and thought it would be a good release.  At the studio I attend at the end of every class the instructor says an inspirational quote. It is such a nice way to end the class, you are lying there feeling good about what you've just done and the room is silent and these quotes always resonate with me somehow.  Today the instructor said something along the lines of this: Have the strength to cope with the things we can not change, have the courage to change the things we can, and have the wisdom to know the difference between the two.  I teared up right then and there, that quote could not have been more for me during this time.  It was as if she was speaking to me. It was a good way to start the day.  It was rejuvenating.

This week I am catching up on some lost time with my little boy. With all the bed rest, not being able to carry him or go on walks I am taking full advantage of our time together. We have had lots of giggles and cuddles which is exactly what this momma needs!  Some pictures below of Charlie enjoying his own babychino (steamed milk with foam in an espresso cup!) while we were out.  He loves acting like us drinking his own "coffee".

 Milk mustache anyone?

(please ignore his finger nails, I swear we bathe him)

Thank goodness for this boy.

 

Our reality

This is a difficult post to write, as it may be to read, but it is our reality and I hope that by writing this it can be therapeutic for me and maybe be helpful for someone else.  We all tend to use social media to paint this beautiful picture of what our lives are, and even though that is great, life is not all sunshine and rainbows. I like to to think of myself as an authentic person, so I am putting this out here to be open and honest of our situation.

Last Friday at 14 weeks and one day my doctor found that our baby no longer had a heart beat.  At first I felt denial and told the doctor to check again and then slowly came to the realization that this pregnancy was over.  I had just seen the baby at my 12 week appointment and everything was fine.  I had just done 2 weeks of bed rest and 2 additional weeks of very little activity.  It was a huge hit to say the least.  There are many unexplained questions I have, some of which will never be answered.  This is my second miscarriage in the past year.  Last time we found no heart beat at 8 weeks.  Less then 5% of women miscarry two times in a row.  It is also rare to miscarry as late as I did this time around.  My doctor sent me for blood work the same day she found no heart beat.  They are running all sorts of tests.  I had a D & C on Monday, so I had to wait three days for the procedure to take place.  That weekend was tough. The first 24 hours were the worst, I slept very little and cried constantly.  They are also running tests on the baby.  Hopefully there are some explanations for what went wrong.  Our next appointment is in a month, so we will find out all the information then and move forward accordingly. The one thing I do not want to find out is the gender.  It is a personal choice that I just can not deal with hearing.

I couldn't talk to anyone all weekend, in fact I just talked to my sister today and she is the first person I have spoken with since I found out the news.  It is just way too emotional for me to speak about.  Justin let my closest friends know on Friday, and I did end up emailing some who reached out to me to let them know more information.  As hard as it was to read some people's responses, it was hugely comforting to know how much love and support we had.  Justin and I are so lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful, caring and supportive family and friends.  We have had non stop texts, emails and calls checking on us.  So even though I have been unable to speak with anyone yet, the support has been truly amazing.  And every kind word and sweet thought or flowers that have been sent have meant more then I will ever be able to express. 

In life we are dealt these difficult challenges and we have to choose how we handle them.  Of course I have grieved this loss, and I am sure there will be days where I am overcome with emotion again, but I am choosing to keep my head held high and move forward.  I know Justin and I will have more children, one way or another.  I am thankful for the strong and loving marriage that I am in.  I am also extremely thankful for our beautiful son Charlie who challenges us in every sense of the word, but who has taught us how to love more then we ever thought possible.  Charlie has truly made this process easier.  Having him laugh and live every day to the fullest gives me the strength to be the best mom I can for him.  I know some women never have the chance to have one child, so I am eternally grateful for having Charlie in my life.  It may still take me some time to be in touch with friends, but know that us Nicolsons are strong and can get through anything as a family. 

Thank you to all again for the positive thoughts and well wishes.

The Art of the Brick

This is an old post that should have been done 2 months ago, but better late then never! When my mom was still in town we took her to the Art and Science Museum when they were showcasing the Lego exhibit called The Art of the Brick. An artist named Nathan had an obsession for Lego's from a young age and as an adult decided to make it a career by designing these elaborate sculptures from Lego's.  It was SO impressive to see the things he came up with.  My favorite was this life size dinosaur skeleton that took him an entire summer to create.  It was great for Charlie also because there was lots of interactive parts that he could get involved with.  We went during the week so it was pretty quiet, except for one group of school students that were there. I would highly recommend going if it comes near you!  

I can't believe I was 6 weeks or so pregnant here.  It seems like ages ago!

 Pretty impressive shadow hand puppet by moi if I do say so myself!

 Charlie attempting a shadow hand puppet, pretty comical.

 Lego reflexology at the end.

Video

I have been doing FaceTime with my parents at least once a week.  Charlie loves to see Nana and Papa.  For so long he would only shout Papa, but now he happily says Nana as well which of course makes my mom very happy. He still doesn't say bye Nana though, which is kind of funny.

I was taking a video of Charlie last night before bed and he automatically thought we were calling Nana and Papa.  So cute.  Video below of Charlie pointing to different body parts.  Unless you are family, this video may be boring.  Just a warning :).  

The City

There is a new play place that opened near our house called The City.  A friend and I took our boys there yesterday to check it out.  They had small little areas that were all themed, a grocery store, a beauty parlor, a police station, a hospital, etc etc.  Charlie and his friend Gus had lots of fun running around.  Their favorite was cooking us food in the restaurant and grocery shopping at the store.  It is a really cute idea that they have not exactly mastered there, but it made for a fun afternoon.

Charlie in the restaurant kitchen.

 And him sitting down to join me to eat what he cooked.  Obviously he was quite proud!

 Picking up some bananas at the store.

 Gus and Charlie in the beauty parlor.  We had to try the hair clips on them. :)

 And back to the grocery store to play cashier!

Brunch

On Sunday our Hot Moms group celebrated our 2 year anniversary.  We all met when our babies were 3-4 months old.  We have met up with each other at least once a week since.  Our kids have literally grown up together.  This group of women is so amazing and I am very lucky to be apart of them.  Shortly after meeting each other, we set up our own facebook group page to correspond with each other privately and it was named Hot Moms and we have cheekily referred to ourselves as that since.  Some girls have sadly moved away, few have had their second babies already and 3 of us in this picture are pregnant also.  It is so fun to experience these times together as a group, share ideas and stories and always to bring humor to any situation.  Thankfully we had a private room at our brunch because we tend to be way too loud! I love my Hot Moms!Happy Anniversary girls.

Oppsie

I can't believe my last update was in February!  Oppsie. In my defense it has been quite a month, sorry for the lack of updates.  There are plenty of things that happened since my last post, some fun outings with my mom before she left, Justin's birthday, our friend Chris coming to town, a trip to Thailand etc etc.  However, Charlie threw my iPhone into my coffee about a month ago and since most my photos on here come from my phone that created a problem.  I got a replacement phone right away but the latest and greatest iPhone wasn't compatible with my 2 year old Mac Pro computer.   Craziness. So it took a few weeks to get the software and get everything working again. The lack of posts started then.

 The main excuse I haven't been updating things is I have been feeling really sick.  I always thought when pregnant women complained about not feeling well in their first trimester they were kind of playing the pregnancy card because I just never experienced anything that bad.  But, I take it all back!  It can get BAD!  So with that said, I am pregnant!  12 weeks yesterday to be exact.  Due date is October 17th.  Besides not feeling great there have been some issues, but baby is great which is most important.  Because of these "issues" I was actually put on bed rest for the past 2 weeks.  I was put on bed rest right before our 10 day holiday with our best friends to Sri Lanka, which has been planned for like a year.  The brave dad Justin is, sucked it up and took Charlie without me!  It has really given me time to rest, as you can imagine that isn't easy with a toddler around, and it has given them good bonding time together.  But I miss them like CRAZY! They aren't back until Monday, and I just can't wait to pick them up from the airport.  Here are some pictures of Charlie having fun there. 

Charlie and Ali having a serious conversation.

 Justin and Laura with Charlie and baby Orla in a tuk tuk.

 The kids on Easter searching for eggs.

 The kids out at lunch. They look like they could all be related!

 Tom and Charlie splashing around.

 Charlie posing with the tuk tuks they took to lunch